Childhood trauma and relationships

 This is going to be a lengthy post, but it can help a lot of people. Over the years, I have met a lot of people, and when I meet them, sometimes I can tell that they come from dysfunctional families.

There are subtle signs and hints that you can observe, for example, if they are apologizing too much or they are trying very hard to please you, it's a sign that they were raised in a family where their emotions, feelings, wants, or needs were invalidated.

There can be so many reasons why, if you come from a middle-class family where money was an issue, you must have acted like there were certain things you didn’t really want or need, although you really wanted them and didn't want to burden your parents.

Or maybe your parents had an unpredictable temper.

Or maybe your parents were emotionally unstable, you might have found yourself trying to reconcile your two parents after a fight, or you might have found yourself taking care of their emotions and trying to comfort them when it was you who needed the assistance. You might have been privy to financial problems. This is called emotional incest.

This causes role reversal, also known as parentification—a phenomenon in which a child is forced to assume a parent’s role.

Now, is that bad? It's devastating... The damage it does to a child’s personality is horrible. When these children grow up, they use the same strategy to seek love. They do too much for others, they pretend they don’t have any wants or needs to not burden the person they like. As you can see, they repeat the same childhood strategy to gain love.

What really happens in the adult world is that they attract their polar opposites, mostly narcissists and abusers. Their happiness depends on another person’s moods and whims; this is called co-dependency.

How do I know all this? Well, I have been through some bullshit so.

There is nothing like heartache, all other pains have medicine, but emotional pain just goes on and on.

You can find peace, and the pain can end if you just accept the fact that the problem is inside you and not outside you. Obviously, one needs help with boundary work, healing the inner child, and recovering from trauma.

All this is very much possible, the most common symptom of boundary conflict or trauma is depression.

If you are going through any such problems. We can talk, I am not a therapist, just a person who has been through it all.

The point is, you attract who you are, and if you don’t heal, and don’t put in the boundary work, you are going to keep attracting the same abusers and narcissists. This isn’t limited to romantic relationships, it can be with friends, bosses, and co-workers.

Being in the adult world without doing boundary work can be extremely draining.