Childhood trauma and relationships

 This is going to be a lengthy post, but it can help a lot of people. Over the years, I have met a lot of people, and when I meet them, sometimes I can tell that they come from dysfunctional families.

There are subtle signs and hints that you can observe, for example, if they are apologizing too much or they are trying very hard to please you, it's a sign that they were raised in a family where their emotions, feelings, wants, or needs were invalidated.

There can be so many reasons why, if you come from a middle-class family where money was an issue, you must have acted like there were certain things you didn’t really want or need, although you really wanted them and didn't want to burden your parents.

Or maybe your parents had an unpredictable temper.

Or maybe your parents were emotionally unstable, you might have found yourself trying to reconcile your two parents after a fight, or you might have found yourself taking care of their emotions and trying to comfort them when it was you who needed the assistance. You might have been privy to financial problems. This is called emotional incest.

This causes role reversal, also known as parentification—a phenomenon in which a child is forced to assume a parent’s role.

Now, is that bad? It's devastating... The damage it does to a child’s personality is horrible. When these children grow up, they use the same strategy to seek love. They do too much for others, they pretend they don’t have any wants or needs to not burden the person they like. As you can see, they repeat the same childhood strategy to gain love.

What really happens in the adult world is that they attract their polar opposites, mostly narcissists and abusers. Their happiness depends on another person’s moods and whims; this is called co-dependency.

How do I know all this? Well, I have been through some bullshit so.

There is nothing like heartache, all other pains have medicine, but emotional pain just goes on and on.

You can find peace, and the pain can end if you just accept the fact that the problem is inside you and not outside you. Obviously, one needs help with boundary work, healing the inner child, and recovering from trauma.

All this is very much possible, the most common symptom of boundary conflict or trauma is depression.

If you are going through any such problems. We can talk, I am not a therapist, just a person who has been through it all.

The point is, you attract who you are, and if you don’t heal, and don’t put in the boundary work, you are going to keep attracting the same abusers and narcissists. This isn’t limited to romantic relationships, it can be with friends, bosses, and co-workers.

Being in the adult world without doing boundary work can be extremely draining.

The end of men by Kashif Nasir

 

All men have this hole inside them, for intimacy, for emotional release. 

At an early age, boys are told that men don’t cry and they stop, on the other hand, girls quickly learn to use tears to their advantage. Once a boy reaches twelve the whole world is shut to him. Men can’t talk to other men about the stress they go through daily, because that’s not what guys do. Women on the other hand have many options they can express their emotions too. 

My boss this amazing guy recently lost his business, I lost my job, I texted him and asked him how he was he said “ he was fine” he asked me how I was “And I said I was fine”. And that was the end of the conversation. It has been said that losing a job could be like a family death. 

I am just trying to paint you a picture. Men can’t talk to other men, they can’t tell their problems to their mothers and sister because they have to be strong, they have this provider role. So who can men talk to?

Men will be shamed as a crybaby, as weak, or shut down as “You should man up”. Men can’t tell women they like how they feel because women are attracted to strong men and don’t want to appear weak. 

Men have the highest suicide rates. 

(Paraphrasing, Nora Robert’s Self-made man) (Side note Nora was a feminist who dressed as a man to write a book, Nora committed suicide)

Hannah Rosin recently wrote an article “The end of men” ( you can google it). I agreed with everything she wrote, Hannah said that girls are getting more educated than boys. She also predicted the end of manual jobs. Since men’s whole worth is their paycheck ( what they can provide). Men have reached an end. She wrote and I quote “ Men are the new ball and chain for women” Since educated women can earn more money than men they might be in a relationship with, young women feel they no longer need men. 

And that’s alright.  

 Men are going through a crisis, and every movement gives birth to a reactionary movement, as you can see the feminist movement gave birth to groups like the manosphere, the red pill community, mgtow. I have respect for these platforms because they have given men a platform, somewhere they can openly discuss how they feel. I mean come on look at the divorce laws in America. 

I feel there is a cause for misogyny. Men understand the immense power women have in the realm of relationships and sex. Also, it's somehow a man’s job to get a woman’s attention, ask for numbers, arrange meet-ups, get on a knee, and offer a ring. And women can simply say no and can completely shatter a guy’s confidence. I think men feel resentment and they feel emasculated about how rigged the game is. 

I think there is a reason why men become violent: anger is the only emotion men are allowed to express. 

Men have a strong need for companionship, as I mentioned in my post about how they are conditioned from birth. But being needy is being weak, I think men feel they need female companionship, and they abhor that they need it because it makes them feel weak, They understand women’s power, and that’s where misogyny comes from.